I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
