She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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