Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
