I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
