Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
