Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
