Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
