goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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