Princesses don't give blow jobs
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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