had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
