I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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