I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
