I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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