i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
