My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
