that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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