I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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