I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
