Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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