So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
