I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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