i permit you to call me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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