i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
