I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
