Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
