I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
