I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
