That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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