The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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