Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
