He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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