I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
