Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
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Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
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The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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