i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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