halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
