If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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