I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
