I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
