God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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