I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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