you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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