2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Welp...herpes.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
