I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
