Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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