You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
