i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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