There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
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HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
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I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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