addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
