Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
