when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
