Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
