i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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