I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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