It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is Oprah even human
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
