I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
be right there i have to get my cape
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
