I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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