My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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