We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
