I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
